SCARS FROM THE PAST

A few years ago, I erected a brick wall and ran head first into it. Experience they say is the best teacher and often times people are not even aware they are headed for a complete dead-end until they smack right into it as was the case with me. It began when I was given an opportunity to further my undergraduate programme; unfortunately I was too immature to truly comprehend what that opportunity meant so I down played its significance. The implication of this blind move on my part was that I lost all bearing of what I was supposed to do and my obligation to my family and to other people who were willing to encourage my personal development. I realized too late that I needed to get back on track a year later and started to run all over the place in search of a way to correct my mistake. Then too, I made the biggest mistake of my life by persuading myself to attempt this alone. And to conceal my act I gave off the implication that all was done and dusted. Although I met a few influential people who could help, some of them said their hands were tied while a few actually volunteered their help. Of all the people you go to when in trouble, those who do the most harm to you are the people who refuse to tell you how serious your situation really is and instead give you the elephants confidence which will eventually lead nowhere. The long and short of the story was that my attempt to get back into the saddle failed. From then onwards, my entire life took a downward swing. Questions, unanswered questions began to consume my thoughts like wildfire to a dry forest. And in order not to give myself away and the fact that I couldnt bring myself to confide in anyone the extent of my folly, I began to constantly put on the cloak of pretence. The fear of discovery added to my torment and I began to be too careful around people, especially close friends and family. I avoided conversations or probing references to my educational life. In essence I saw myself as an outcast and my self esteem plundered into the lake. Still I fed the cat and mouse game for a long while until it got to the point where my family couldnt come up with any concrete explanation to simple questions torching on school. They trusted me to make progress on my own by making sure to offer support and assistance every time. And it was the knowledge that I had failed my family that did the most havoc. It literary tore me to shreds. Faster than I expected my cloak of pretence became too heavy on my conscience such that I began to walk the brick of a breaking point. But just when I thought I was going to crumble altogether, my family decided they had had enough and the whole episode broke apart when they investigated deeper to uncover my lie. They were devastated. They could not make sense of the fact that I kept something like that from their knowledge. What was I thinking??? But at their discovery, something gave; not having to hide the truth anymore brought a huge relief. Although I knew that I still had to face my family to explain my recklessness, the initial pressure that had me in its grip receded so that I could retain my sanity. Forgiveness like trust takes time. You have to gently but persistently woo it. Only your mindset will determine if you deserve it or not. It took them a while to come to terms with the entire episode but gradually they did. I consider myself very lucky to be a member of my family, others may not be as lucky as I am. They have been rooting for me to bounce back and work the rebuilding process since then. To be given a second chance, you have to humble yourself and accept any form of discipline given to you for your actions. Expect every member of your family to lash out on you. Even your friends will hesitate to spare you. The temptation to cover myself in self-pity was so strong at that time but, I surprised myself when I was able to wave it aside because I made the conscious decision to put the past behind me. So once I accepted responsibility for what I did I made the extra effort to forgive myself. Picking yourself after you have fallen is a task you must embrace. The pressure will either make you or break you. And I am constantly reminding myself of this fact. And with support of my family solidly on my side, I have made considerable progress up the rebuilding ladder. My experience has been able to fine-tune how I see things now. I am more open to criticisms now without feeling uptight about it. I have also realized that life is not about waking up everyday and expecting everything to just fall into perspective without having to work for it. You have to tame your excesses to fit into your plans for the future. Self-development is the key to a fulfilled life and I have resolved to make the best of every opportunity I get in the very near or distant future, Looking at my background, I am well aware that nothing really stands out. I mean my family has never had it easy. It has been one struggle after another and if I want to change that history I have got to see growing up as challenge. I should be disciplined enough to muster enough self-control to dictate my own development. At least I understand now that there are no shortcuts to having a positive life and if you believe otherwise, you will pay for it sooner than later. Everyone has something that drives them. For some the negative, others the positive while others just tag along to feel among. So I keep asking myself under what group do I fall. In the past I would have not been able to answer this without some measure of doubt echoing right afterwards but not now. I knew deep within that only the positive appeals to my sense of pride and conviction. This for me is a huge step in the right direction. My experience has made me aware that I have been running from the fear of failure for too long and it is time to pull the plug. “Accept the fear of failure for what it really is; your strength. Do not see fear as the enemy instead let fear push you to action.” I know that if I was to concede defeat or even as much as think that I am at the end of the road, no one can convince me otherwise. I also know that as long as I draw inspiration from my past and focus all my energy to making significant progress in life everything will be just fine. Living, of course, will always take its toll but with a persistent effort one will be able to forge ahead regardless of the huddles that one will most certainly meet. If what happened to me never did, I would not have been so readily submissive to the things I am now exposed to. Perhaps I would have felt them in bits and pieces as I made the journey through life but not all at once. What I know now has greatly influenced my decision to always subscribe to the saying; it is not what happens to me but what happens in me. This saying has a direct bearing to my past and I plan to apply it whenever I am faced with any challenge. To assure self-fulfilment, you must provide occasions to rise to. Clearly defined goals will always allow you to travel towards another horizon that represents the end of one experience and the transition to a new and better existence. If we portray the experiences of people who have made their mark in the society correctly, it will help to steer young people away from such reckless moves as the ones I took. It is the responsibility of the entire world to ensure that every young person gets educated properly. My recklessness resulted basically because I did not know better. I was way too scared to own up and talk to someone and it cost me a number of years. Anyone could be go through a tough time, not necessary the sort I went through but the difference will be the choices he/she makes. One can either allow a difficult situation to overwhelm him/her or get help. There absolutely no shame in it.